The Isolationist

Everyone wants a piece of me.
Not just him or her or them,
but You too!

Why .. ? Why .. ?
What do I have
that You possibly want ?

I'm too used to being raped,
a piece of worthless junk and trash
that everyone abuses
and throw away when they're done.

But You are different,
You are not like them,
so what could You possibly want
from me ?

Go away!!! and take all Your precious love and concerns with You!
I have no need for them!!
Leave me to die alone in my apathy and pain!
I hate the world, I hate You and I hate myself.

Leave me alone till death embraces
till all pain goes away
till nothingness sets me free
and I am born once again.

La Vita Nuova

I've always known that my visit to Jakarta was going to be short but I didn't expect that it would be so memorable. The three days I spent there are full of insights, experiences, and even a bit of childhood nostalgia.

The first thing I felt in Jakarta was uneasiness. Life in Jakarta was so much different than life in Singapore. I felt some kind of a culture shock adapting to Jakarta. In Singapore, I've always been in control of things. As long as I have the cash, I can always go anywhere and do anything. Facilities in Singapore are so organized, structured and predictable that I can easily plan out my days. In Jakarta, however, things are more dynamic, more unpredictable. Even when I do have the cash, I still depend on a lot of other factors to get things done. I need the car to be available. I need someone to drive me (I haven't been driving for the past 3 years, I simply have no clue what the streets in Jakarta are like). Then of course there's the traffic. With buses and minivans and any other vehicle stopping whenever and where ever they please, it's not surprising that the traffic "can be significantly improved".

Bad traffic and unpredictable facilities aren't the only things that contribute to the culture shock. I've also realized how too care-free and independent I've been in Singapore. In the Lion City, I'm practically away from family. In Jakarta, however, I'm right smack in the middle of my family, and I find myself struggling to carry the weight of the robes of responsibilities that come with living in a family, there's the robe of the oldest son, the robe of the oldest grandson, and many other robes that I took off when I left for Singapore.

I was fortunate enough to come home to attend my cousin's wedding. It was at church that I saw the glow of happiness in the eyes of my ageing grandmother. The stroke grandma suffered and recovered from a few months back have taken a lot out of grandma. She has lost a lot of weight, and was forced to reduce her activities; but the stroke couldn't hide the happiness grandma felt as she witnessed her granddaughter walking down the isle, saying her vow, and entering a new chapter of life with the love of her life.

The event reminds me of the time when I first came home to Jakarta after leaving for Singapore. My grandma from my father's side, had recently went through an operation, and when I came to see her, she rushed up to give me a big warm hug and cried in my arms. She was happy to see me home, and most of all happy because her grandson has all grown up. With all the events, I can't help realizing that we play a big role in the happiness of our parents and grandparents. Despite the significance of this responsibility, I do not see it as a burden. Instead, I see it as bringing happiness to the ones I love, and I consider this as fulfillment of life.

Coming home to Jakarta have also given me the chance to take a closer look at the lives of my friends. I am proud to hear that some are embarking on great adventures, looking for their dream jobs, starting businesses, or even pursuing higher degrees abroad. It is always nice to see how God works in the lives of different people. Meeting them made me ask myself whether I really know what God wants out of my life. I've had a semi-traumatic time growing up in Indonesia, and for quite some time, my idea of a comfort-zone is actually living in any other country other than Indonesia. Despite that, I can't help feeling wanting to come back. It's interesting how every homecoming makes me love my country even more. I've heard all about the corruption and the politics and how bad the economy is, but not all of Indonesia are like that. My good friend told me an analogy: Indonesia is like tonnes of gold burried under tonnes of dirt. Some see the dirt while others see the gold. I know seeing one without seeing the other is useless, but I really want to come back to do something significant for my country. (Note: Significant is a keyword here. To invest much in something that results little is a definite misuse of the resources that God gives us. It is a duty to be smart in deciding what to do and not do, in deciding what we should be and shouldn't be spending resources on. I guess this is why the whole business of deciding where we go in life is complicated :) )

One other unique event that happened in the three days I spent in Jakarta is me meeting a childhood friend. When I was very young, about 6 years of age, my mom was actively involved in organizing a sketch for a Christmas celeberation. In that sketech I played the role of Joseph. My friend, the daughter of a friend of mom's, played Mary. It turned out this friend of mom's was also invited to my cousin's wedding, and she brought my friend along. I've never really talked to anyone that I haven't seen for so long, so I was kinda thrilled. The four of us (she, her mom, my mom and I) talked for a few minutes, recalling those old times. Her mom mentioned how I used to be very shy while my friend was very courageous, and that I've grown up to be a sweet looking guy.. (I couldn't really take flattering comments, so I had to use the standard reply "I got my looks from my mom" ... then mom also said how my friend have grown to be so pretty :P ) .. Unfortunately, with all that thrill and excitement I forgot to ask my friend for her email address.. and when I realized that I haven't asked, she has left. *sigh* .. what a cinderally-like story.. The next day I asked mom whether she has any phone numbers that I can use to contact my friend's mom. Unfortunately, mom doesn't have the number... I'm thinking of using other resources to find her contact.. It's not that I'm hooked or something, but I think it's a shame if I get to meet a long lost friend only to lose her again.

Anyway, right now I have tonnes of things to do since I'm back in Singapore. My colleagues in the ALiCE research group have been calling me up to discuss work, my thesis defence is 21st July and I need to meet my supervisor to discuss the slides. I have to tidy up my CV and Resumes and offer myself to potential employers ... :D and I got to regain the life I've lost in the past 18 months.. starting from regaining a healthy life, physically, intellectually, and spiritually. :)

Perfectionism vs. Excellence

I just bought myself a copy of "The Entrepreneur's Creed" over at my favourite christian bookstore, Psalm's Joy, at Queensway Shopping Centre. I was just reading the first few pages when I found this cool excerpt. I really felt like I should share this rightaway.

From the book:

In his book Future Edge, Joel Barker tells of the discovery of "warm" ceramic superconductors by a Swiss physicist, Alex Mueller. "Dr. Mueller was assisted by a young physicist, Goerge Bednorz, who hadn't yet established his reputatation. In fact, it was an error by this young man - not setting the oven hot enough - that accidentally provided the first samples of the ceramic compound. Had he been more experienced, he probably wouldn't have made the error." Dr. mueller capitalized on this error, choosing to ignore the "fact" that ceramic material is an insulator, not a conductor, of electricity. His mistaken idea led to a Nobel prize.

There is a big difference between perfectionism and excellence. Perfectionism abhors error. It tries to eradicate it and destroy it. Excellence, on the other hand, embraces error, builds on it, and transforms it. We don't have "mistakes"; we have "adjustment opportunities." We don't criticize, but rather we try to encourage excellence by learning from our failures ...

No Easy Walk to Freedom

"There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere
and many of us will have to pass through
the valley of the shadow of death again and again
before we reach the mountain tops of our desires"
-- Nehru, From Lucknow to Trippoli

I promised a lot of people that I blog this down., and I've been delaying it because I haven't found the time. So, here it is, a relook at the past eighteen months.

It all started way back in January 2002. At that time, I was half my current size, about 20kg lighter, and definitely I didn't have the wrinkles and panda eyes I have today.

The reason was simple: I felt I still have lots to learn, and doing research would give me not only the opportunity to develop my problem solving skills, but also give me the time to brush-up my on-the-side skills (such as C/C++, ASP, and technologies used in the industry that I didn't have much time to pick-up in my ungrad days).

The problem was ... Grid Computing, the field I chose, was too new and too utopian that nobody at the time really know what they are talking about. The concept of grid computing was introduced in 1997 by Ian Foster in "The Grid: Blueprint for a New Computing Infrastructure". To my knowledge, no other books have been written and published on the grid even till now.

Just to give you guys an idea of what Grid computing is... (non techie people may do themselves a favour and skip to the next section). HP calls it utility computing, IBM calls it autonomic computing. The idea is simple: to use computing power as easily as using electricity. We use electricity without even knowing where it comes from. Whenever we need it, where ever we need it, all we do is find a wall socket, and plug it in. With Grid computing, we wish to have the same level of simplicity and flexibility in using computing power. Whenever you need computing power, where ever you need computing power, just plug it in.

So with Grid computing, you won't need to upgrade your hardware so you can run larger programs. Now for people like you and me, we seldom need a computer more powerful than a P4 2.4GHz. But for organizations that do a lot of computation (bilkling processing, financial analysis and projections, scientific experiments and simulations), a program may run for days some even weeks till completion. For these guys, not having to upgrade hardware means not having to pay a million dollars to get the latest supercomputer. You can see why the various IT giants like IBM, HP, and even Sun are on it. The technology has a market definitely.

The problem is whether people can be convinced to to use computing power that comes from a computer they do not own. For electricity, we don't have a problem because electricity is electricity, the worse quality you can get from electricity is probably unstable voltage. With computational power it's different. For you to use computational power, you need to 1: send your program to the other person's computer, 2: send your valuable data there too, 3: trust that the other person's computer is not faulty and won't give you erroneous results. What is worse is that you won' t know whether the other guy is running a program on that computer that will slow down the running of your program.

---
"Tiap langkahku diatur oleh Tuhan
Dan tangan KasihNya memimpinku
Di tengah gelombang dunia menakutkan
Hatiku tetap tenang teduh ... "

Since the publication of Foster's book in 1997, there has been tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of research papers written by everyone all around the globe trying to find out what Grid is, what it can do, what the human race wants it to do. It gets even worse because my supervisor wanted me to do Grid Scheduling. Now, scheduling has been around for ages (circa 40 years). It started out as a technique to increase machine utilization in manufacturing, and has spread to so many areas in engineering and computer science. So there I was, supposedly doing an accelerated masters that I'm asked to finish within one year, yet was given a topic so new, so huge, that I swore it looked like a PhD topic to me. Grid being a new thing means my supervisor is of little help to me as well, so I was totally on my own. Some people would probably have been smarter and chose a different topic. But not me. I guess I considered it a challenge.

A one year accelerated masters program is supposed to consist of a 2 months literature study, a 6 months implementation and analysis, 3 months of writing, and 1 month of finalizing everything. In June 2002, that's 6 months after I started my masters, I haven't even found my 'thesis title' yet. I was still so confused with the different definitions of Grid Computing, different definitions of Grid Scheduling. Different papers are saying different things by using different assumptions that are often contradicting one another. At about this time, my supervisor joined the national business-plan competition. The business idea is to be a middleman in a computational resource brokerage service, using grid technology. We won first prize and got a cool S$30K. Unfortunately, winning means I have to implement the plan, start a company, and spend a considerable amount of my time and energy on it, which definitely reduces the time I have for my thesis. Again, I took this as a challenge. I believe God would not have brought such a unique opportunity to my doorstep only for me to kick it out into the gutters.

In October 2002, I've decided to do QoS, the holy grail in grid scheduling. The idea is quite simple, but showing it works is hard. One thing for sure, I won't be able to prove it using theoretical methods. That would require lots of maths (queing models, markov chains, finite state automatons...), something that is not my forte. To go non-theoretical means I have to build my own system. So that's what I did. The problem is I only have 2 months left till the end of my candidature. The ever-so-optimistic and workaholic me wanted to sacrifice my christmas holidays to meet the January 1st deadline. But after some careful considerations, I decided to spend the holidays with the family instead.

---
"Tiap langkahku kutahu yang Tuhan pimpin
Ketempat tinggi ku dihantarNya
Hingga sekali nanti aku tiba
Di rumah Bapa Surga yang baka ..."

So, I got my candidature extended to April 2003. That was awesome as that means I have about three months to implement my work and write the thesis. My supervisor claimed it's impossible. I argued it is not, and gave my life and soul into the project for three months straight to prove him wrong. It is during these times that I find myself working really really late in the lab, sleeping less than 4 hours a day. I guess with what I was going through then, I can put all self-proclaimed workaholics to shame. The loss of energy from the lack of sleep is compensated by eating more stuff. Thank God that the National University Hospital cafeteria is open 24 hours. I got to know the Laksa aunty very well back then.

I clocked about 120 hours of work per week for three months straight, I skipped church, I skipped social outings, I skipped life and leased out my soul, just so that I can submit my thesis. By march 21th, I have implemented my idea into a working grid system, performed experiments, and have written the four main chapters of my thesis. I figure I can complete the experiments and conclusion within a week. So, all I needed was an approval from my supervisor, and I could submit my thesis. It was at this time that I wrote "Doubts in The Night" .. For those who aren't familiar with that poem.. here it is:


Doubts in The Night - PJ

When the curtains closed
and the lights turned off
When you've surrendered the day
and retreated to your sanctuary
What are you thinking of
Where has your dream gone

Your tired acheing limbs
stretched out on the floor
Your eyes wide open
staring into the empty ceiling
Does it matter now
what you've spent your day on

As you spend your last waking moments
escaping wake's reality
Do you wish that tomorrow come
or would rather you end this misery

Doubts in the night passes through
the ritual of life that you've been accustomed to
but who do you believe ? who do you trust ?
the loud and annoying voices of the day
or the silent truth that whispers in the night


---
"Diwaktu imanku mulai lemah
Dan bila jalanku hampir sesat
Kupandang Juruselamatku yang Esa
Aku kuat sebab Tuhan dekat ..."

Unfortunately, my supervisor didn't like what he saw and wanted "significant improvements" to be added before he'd let me submit the thesis. Seeing the physical and emotional state I was in at the time, and knowing there is only about a week left till the deadline, i threw in the towel.

It was at this time that I really thought I should quit my masters. It's really true what they say. At a certain point in every struggle, it's not about how much effort you put in anymore, neither it is about how good you are, or how much support you get from family and friends. It's about how bad you want it. At that moment, I've almost convinced myself that I didn't want the MSc anymore, as though it's not worth it. Some friends say that i've worked so hard for so long, it's a shame if I go out empty handed. I argued that I've gotten what I've set out to get, i.e. the learning experience. The degree is nothing more than a piece of paper, why should i waste precious life any longer just for that ?

What got me going again in the end was the thought that God has a reason for everything and that all these challenges I'm facing are for the refining of my character. I don't think this refinement process will be complete unless I go through it till the end. I've also realized that throughout that three months i've practically shut out God from my life, that I've relied on my own strength, that I believe I could really get things done with my own strength. I decided to extend my candidature again and try to meet the July deadline, my supervisor agreed and said this is the final extension he's going to give me. But the three months between April and July aren't much. I still have to repeat the self-inflicted torture i've just went through.

---
"Di dalam Tuhan saja harapanku
Sebab di TanganNya sejahtera
DipegangNya kunci kota Allahku
Negeri perjanjian mulia ..."

To be honest with you guys, the three months from May to July was a breeze. It was a breeze not because I continued to work like hell. It was a breeze because I wasn't worried anymore. The pressure is there of course. I know that this is my last chance and I have "significant improvements" to make. Chapter 3 and 4 needs to be rewritten from scratch, experiments for Chapter 5 aren't done yet. There's this funny calm feeling knowing that everything will be OK.

I found solace in Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.",

and found strength in Isaiah 40:31:

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

I don't know whether I'm going to succeed, but I know everything is going to be okay. I don't know where I'm going to find the strength to carry on, but I know strength will be there because I God will provide.

I practically spent the entire of April and May polishing Chapter 1 and 2, and rewriting Chapter 3 and 4. I spent the entire of June doing experiments and finalizing Chapter 6. Things didn't go as smoothly as planned though. My supervisor had to leave for Boston a week earlier than my thesis deadline. That means I have to complete my thesis way earlier. Furthermore, in June I found myself in the middle of an immigration problem. It seemed I have misread the expiry date of my student pass. I had read 31/07/2003 when in fact the expiry date is 31/01/2003. I spent the last week of June visiting immigration a couple of times. I was called in for an 'interview' where the immigration ppl asked me lots of questions to determine the penalty i should receive.

For your information, staying illegally in singapore is a serious offence. The penalty is either a fine no greater than S$6,000, imprisonment of no longer than 6 months, or caning 3 times. I got of with a fine of considerable amount though still much less than S$6,000. Nevertheless, the process still took quite a huge chunk of my time.

---
"Just beyond the fall of grace,
is that ever shining place.."

At the end of it all, I can say that it wasn't a bad eighteen months. I've grown much (not only in weight :). and it's been a wonderful heck of a ride. I still have my thesis defence in the third week of July, but I'm not really worried about that. I still have lots of things to do.. (the immigration thingy is not settled yet, I still have to apply for a new student pass tomorrow, and hopefully have it done by the day after so that I can fly back to Indonesia to attend my cousin's wedding the next day and be back in Singapore the day after that so I can prepare for my thesis defence.) Like I said, I have no worries. God has been incredibly faithful, and I trust that He will remain so.

You know what, this poem I wrote sometime ago has a totally different meaning now.. awesome.

Have you ever met someone
that makes all your troubles worthwhile
for whom your tears and laughter intertwined
like the melody of a symphony divine

Have you ever met someone
in which all it takes is a smile
for the moment to extend into eternity
leaving you breathless in adoration

Have you ever met someone
whom you never want to let go
not for the world, not for life
not for the heavens, not for gold

Well, I have finally found someone
who's become my reason to be
who dwells in my heart, my soul
for now, forever, as long as I shall be


-- Johan, July 01, 2003.